OUTLINE

1. GENERAL.
1.1 Introduction.
1.2 Posting Guidelines.
1.3 What should I do when I see a post I don't like?
1.4 What should I do about SPAM?
1.5 Are humorous posts allowed?
1.6 Are commercial posts allowed?
1.7 What if someone asks a question I don't know the answer to?
1.8 Are surveys welcome?

2. BEGINNING PIPE SMOKING.
2.1 How do I select my first pipe?
2.2 How do I select my first tobacco?
2.3 How do I light my pipe?
2.4 How do I clean my pipe?
2.5 How long should I let my pipe rest?
2.6 Why does my tongue hurt?

3. ADVANCED TOPICS.
3.1 How many of you guys have beards?
3.2 Do you prefer straight pipes, or bents?
3.3 Is there a good tobacconist in my area?
3.4 How old are you guys?
3.5 What should I drink with my pipe?
3.6 What tobacco do you recommend for a former cigar smoker?
3.7 What are you smoking *RIGHT NOW*!?
3.8 What do DGT, PIF, PAD and TAD mean?
3.9 Where can I find a 100% latakia blend?
3.10 Are there any gay pipe smokers out there?
3.11 Why are people so mean to me?


4. PIPE RESOURCES ON THE 'NET.

5. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS, ETC.


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1. GENERAL.


1.1 INTRODUCTION.

This is the alt.smokers.pipes anti-FAQ. This anti-FAQ will be
posted annually to alt.smokers.pipes on the first day of April. The
purpose of this anti-FAQ is to minimize the amount of chatter about
pipe smoking on alt.smokers.pipes, thereby making the newsgroup more
lively and interesting to read.

Suggestions for improvement should be kept to yourself. To be
perfectly honest, I don't give a flying fig about your opinions. If
I want to know what you think, I'll ask you. Just don't hold your
breath. On second thought, *do* hold your breath.


1.2 POSTING GUIDELINES.

While this newsgroup has worldwide distribution, the vast
majority of subscribers live in "free countries," so they can say
whatever they please, USENET conventions be damned. Don't bother
with reading "news.answers" or "news.announce.newusers," or any of
those other newsgroups designed to explain USENET's "rules."

Oh. And be sure to munge your e-mail address with some clever
"NOSPAM" scheme. Placing an invalid e-mail address in the "From" or
"Reply-To" lines violates RFCs 822 and 1036, but see the above
paragraph. They can't tell you what to do. This technique is
particularly effective if you're asking a question. This way,
nobody will fill your mailbox with lots of answers.

"Me-too" posts are particularly appreciated. An example of a
"me-too" is when you quote a long message, adding only a line or
two of your own. If your .sig is longer than your comments, then
you're probably doing it right. (Another reason to have a long
.sig. BIG .sigs are really, really kewl.)

If you're posting a reply and don't want to quote the *entire*
message, then quote absolutely none of it. This way nobody will
have the first clue as to what you're talking about. Everyone
loves a good riddle like this, as it makes the newsgroup more
lively and interesting to read.

Got any really cool pictures? Post them to the group, too.
The pictures don't have to be of pipes. In fact, if you've got any
pictures of your wife or girlfriend in the nude, please post them.
If you don't have any such pictures, just let me know, and I'll sell
you some.

Finally, the subject line of your article should have nothing
at all to do with what you actually say. This makes the newsgroup
much more lively and interesting to read.


1.3 WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN I SEE A POST I DON'T LIKE?

First, and most importantly, you should take offense. Obviously
the author is an insensitive bastard who is hell-bent on hurting your
feelings. He is an arrogant pinhead who deserves much worse than he
will ever receive. Others may tell you that the guy was "just having
a bad day," or that he "didn't mean anything by it," but don't you
believe it. Remain steadfast and do not waver in your efforts to get
even with the idiot.

Rant and rave, but be sure to do so publicly, by posting to the
group rather than by sending e-mail. Otherwise, how will anyone else
know what a jerk the other guy is? Don't hold back, and don't let up
until you receive satisfaction, or until the thread has reached 100
articles in length, whichever comes first. Telling someone how
stupid they are is called a "flame." If you read a flame, please
respond to it, even if you have no interest whatsoever in the issue
at hand. This makes the newsgroup much more lively and interesting
to read.


1.4 WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT SPAM?

If you see a piece of SPAM, then by all means quote the entire
message, adding a clever comment of your own. You see, there are
lots of folks who don't like SPAM, and they've come up with things
like filters and cancelbots in an effort to get rid of it. While a
particular piece of SPAM may show up on your news server, there's a
very good chance that many folks won't get to see it. Posting a
follow-up article to the SPAM will keep it alive, ensuring
*everybody* gets to look at it. This makes the newsgroup much more
lively and interesting to read.


1.5 ARE HUMOROUS POSTS ALLOWED?

Absolutely. Humor is greatly appreciated in alt.smokers.pipes,
especially puns. There are those who claim that the pun is the
lowest form of humor, but those people are stupid.


1.6 ARE COMMERCIAL POSTS ALLOWED?

What are you, some sort of Pinko Commie Liberal?


1.7 WHAT IF SOMEONE ASKS A QUESTION I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO?

Don't let that stop you; answer the question anyway. You
should, however, preface your answer with, "I'm no expert, but..."


1.8 ARE SURVEYS WELCOME?

Absolutely. Surveys are the very heart and soul of
alt.smokers.pipes and are held in higher esteem than even the lofty
pun. If your poll generates an interminably long thread that strays
wildly off topic, then you did it right.


2. BEGINNING PIPE SMOKING.


2.1 HOW DO I SELECT MY FIRST PIPE?

Buy one of those pipes you'll find in those plastic packages at
Wal-Mart. These are the best-selling pipes in the world, so they
must smoke the best, too. Anybody who tells you these pipes aren't
great is a stupid yuppie snob.

If you don't have a Wal-Mart, then go to the local flea market.
They always have some of those pipes with the metal stems. Those
things are great, and they last forever. These pipes also come in
handy for jamming underneath the bathroom door to keep your wife
from barging in on you while you're reading the Victoria's Secret
catalog.


2.2 HOW DO I SELECT MY FIRST TOBACCO?

Just buy whatever's sitting next to your first pipe. And get
the really big bag; it's cheaper. Tobacco is tobacco, after all.
Anybody who says anything different is a stupid yuppie snob.


2.3 HOW DO I LIGHT MY PIPE?

You don't. Anybody who would ask a question like this
shouldn't play with matches.


2.4 HOW DO I CLEAN MY PIPE?

You don't. This whole cleaning business was a scheme
cooked up by "pipe cleaner" manufacturers. It seems they weren't
making enough money selling their stuff at craft supply stores. If
your pipe starts to taste funny, just drop it in the dishwasher.


2.5 HOW LONG SHOULD I LET MY PIPE REST?

Now *this* is a stupid question. It's an inanimate object.
Why would it need to rest? I'll tell you who needs a rest. *I*
need a rest. I'm tired of busting my hump for you ungrateful
so-and-sos.


2.6 WHY DOES MY TONGUE HURT?

You must be a girl. Pipes are for men. *REAL* men. *MANLY*
men. Everybody knows that. Go buy yourself some of those long,
skinny menthol cigarettes, pansy.


3. ADVANCED TOPICS.


3.1 HOW MANY OF YOU GUYS HAVE BEARDS?

A recent survey found that 75% of the male a.s.p. subscribers
and 25% of the female subscribers have beards. If you really asked
this question, you might want to subscribe to
"alt.sex.hirsute.fat.guys." For the life of me, I don't know where
you perverts come from.


3.2 DO YOU PREFER STRAIGHT PIPES, OR BENTS?

What exactly do you mean by "bents"?


3.3 IS THERE A GOOD TOBACCONIST IN MY AREA?

Two words: Yellow Pages. If there's no tobacco shop listed
there, then just point your web browser to:

http://www.ebay.com (Who's computer is this?)

You'll find everything you need there, and the prices are terrific.


3.4 HOW OLD ARE YOU GUYS?

We're all older than you. We remember when they made *good*
pipes--not that crap they sell now. I paid $3 for my first Dunhill,
(a gold-banded "DRH") and they threw in a pound of tobacco (*good*
tobacco--not that crap they sell now). Now go play in the traffic,
kid.


3.5 WHAT SHOULD I DRINK WITH MY PIPE?

I bet your mom still buys your clothes for you. Double or
nothing your wife makes you smoke outside, too.


3.6 WHAT TOBACCO DO YOU RECOMMEND FOR A FORMER CIGAR SMOKER?

Let me guess. You "smoked cigars waaaay before they became a
fad," and you're "tired of all the yuppies trying to look cool and
driving up the prices," etc. Yeah, right.


3.7 WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING *RIGHT NOW*!?

Three words: Get a life.


3.8 WHAT DO DGT, PIF, PAD, AND TAD MEAN?

They are acronyms, dumb@$$. Some people think we should use
them because they save keystrokes, but the real reason to use them
is because acronyms are cool. If I told you what they meant, then
everyone would know and they wouldn't be cool anymore.

If you can't use acronyms, use little cutesy abbreviations like
"Dunnie" <shudder>.


3.9 WHERE CAN I FIND A 100% LATAKIA BLEND?

I don't have a clue. You don't have a clue, either.


3.10 ARE THERE ANY GAY PIPE SMOKERS OUT THERE?

Yes.


3.10 WHY ARE PEOPLE SO MEAN TO ME?

For the same reason lions always kill the weakest antelope in
the herd; it's just *so* easy.


4. PIPE RESOURCES ON THE 'NET.

The answer to just about every question you can possibly
imagine can be found at www.pipes.org; however, you've got better
things to do than wasting time getting answers for yourself. Just
ask your question in the newsgroup and some sucker will look it up
for you.